i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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