You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
