I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
