I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love you. Go after that dick
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
