Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
