He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
