apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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