Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
