yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
