My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
