walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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