i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
