It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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