Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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