I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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