In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
