hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
