he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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