I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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