the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
if only i could text you this smell
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
