My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
