i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
