Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
