Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
