ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
