i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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