Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
