Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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