Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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