The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
