these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
