Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
