Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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