matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
