Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
