he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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