Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he thought i was a dude.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
