Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
