We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no you cant smoke seaweed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
