you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
