me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
