They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
