I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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