He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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