It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If I die, sorry about rent.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
