Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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