the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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