you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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