party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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