My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
