I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
