when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
